| -- End Ad Box ---> | | | | wearing a jacket, for example, say to her |
| Does homework cause tension in your house? Is the | | | | Jeannie, it is cold outside and you need to wear a |
| sense of frustration becoming too much to take? If | | | | jacket. Would you like to wear this one or this |
| so, you are not alone. Everyday, I receive calls and | | | | one? This simple concept of giving choices can |
| emails from parents who are fed up with the | | | | prevent power struggles and can be used with |
| homework battles. Most parents wonder with | | | | children of all ages; babies to young adults. |
| exasperation, Why does homework cause such a | | | | It really works! Going back to my 18-month-old |
| major problem!? In order to answer that question, | | | | son
He was, and still is, a very independent spirit. |
| it is important to consider many factors. | | | | (I have no idea where he got that from!) When my |
| Homework is More than Just Homework | | | | husband picked him up from daycare, Marky would |
| Homework represents more than just a set of | | | | refuse to hold his hand. As soon as my husband |
| assignments that your child has to complete each | | | | would grab his hand, Marky would instantly go limp |
| night, it is an exercise in developing responsibility and | | | | and fall like spaghetti to the ground. After a bit of |
| problem-solving skills. Think about the | | | | frustration, my husband finally gave him his choices. |
| homework you have as an adult: mail to | | | | Mark, you have to hold Daddy’s hand in |
| manage, bills to pay, budgets to keep, groceries to | | | | the parking lot or Daddy will have to carry you. |
| buy, school papers to organize, meals to plan and | | | | For two days, Mark instantly collapsed to the ground |
| prepare, etc. Think about the skills you need to use | | | | so my husband scooped him up and carried him, |
| to do each of these tasks: reading, planning, | | | | kicking and screaming, to the car. On the third day, |
| organizing, calculating, and filing are just a few. When | | | | when Mark received his options, he decided he would |
| did you first practice each of these skills? For most | | | | rather walk to the car holding Daddy’s hand |
| people, you can trace your skill development back to | | | | than have to be carried. It has been over a year |
| homework. | | | | now and he has never given us another problem |
| Homework also represents a child’s first | | | | about holding his hand. |
| significant opportunity to have control. One day, | | | | Choices with Homework |
| when my son was 18-months old, the two of us | | | | If you develop the habit of giving your children some |
| were dining with several relatives. As I was cleaning | | | | choices, and respecting their choices, at appropriate |
| him up after a messy lunch, he was much more | | | | times throughout the day, homework time will soon |
| interested in entertaining his cousins and not in | | | | become smoother. However, there are many ways |
| cooperating with me. While I kept a straight face and | | | | you can give your child choices when working on |
| did not let his antics produce a reaction from me, he | | | | homework. Some examples are: |
| still managed to push my buttons. I finally cleaned him | | | | - You need to study for your spelling test on |
| up and sighed in frustration, How does he know | | | | Friday. Would you like to study for 10 minutes every |
| how to get to me!? | | | | night this week, or for 20 minutes on Tuesday and |
| My ever-observant and very wise cousin pointed out, | | | | Thursday? |
| For as significant as he is in your life, you are 100 | | | | - I have to make dinner tonight and then have to |
| times more significant in his. You have other | | | | take your sister to dance. Would you like to work on |
| responsibilities to fill your days, but his only | | | | your homework now with me, or by yourself while I |
| responsibility is to study and imitate you. In this | | | | drive Jennifer to dance? |
| process, he quickly learns how to test you. | | | | - "We have three books that fit your |
| Hmmmm. Good point. | | | | teacher’s criteria for a book report. Which one |
| From the day your child is born, his objective is to | | | | of these three do you like best? |
| grow and become more and more independent of | | | | - Which do you want to do first, your math or |
| you. Every parent wants their children to grow up to | | | | science homework? |
| be happy, successful, well-adjusted adults, yet most | | | | - How much time do you think it should take you |
| of us do not want to let go. Children who are | | | | to do your language arts homework, 15 or 20 |
| clamoring for independence, however, quickly learn | | | | minutes? I’ll set the timer for ___ minutes. |
| that their parents place a lot of value on homework | | | | See if you can get your homework done before the |
| and homework is something that they have control | | | | time is up. |
| over. | | | | - Your teacher suggests that we get a magazine |
| Many children quickly learn that homework is their | | | | subscription for you because you seem to prefer |
| bargaining chip and they will use it to act out if | | | | reading shorter stories and articles. I was looking at |
| there are other, seemingly unrelated things that are | | | | some options and think that any one of these three |
| bothering them. Of course, most children are not | | | | would be good. Which one do you want? |
| consciously aware of this thought pattern. They just | | | | More than Just Giving Choices |
| know that they want some control and homework is | | | | When you give your child a choice, and then follow |
| a significant way to get it; I don’t have to | | | | through on that choice, you are not only giving him |
| do my math homework tonight. You can’t | | | | some control, you are communicating with your |
| make me! or Why do we have homework, | | | | actions that you value his opinion. This sense of value |
| anyway? It’s pointless! I don’t want to | | | | has major implications on his sense of confidence and |
| do it! Sound familiar? | | | | will help increase his motivation. When you value and |
| How Do I Overcome this Control’ Issue? | | | | respect your child (while still maintaining appropriate |
| The best way to overcome the control’ | | | | control), your child will value and respect you
that |
| issue is to give your child some control. Now, I | | | | alone will make homework time more peaceful. The |
| don’t mean that you should let them run the | | | | great thing is, this mutual respect will make other |
| house and deal with homework as they please, but | | | | parts of your family life more enjoyable and can be |
| give them control at appropriate times, in appropriate | | | | very good foundation as your child enters the teen |
| ways, and you will notice that homework battles will | | | | years. (It also works if your child is a teen now.) |
| fizzle down. For example, if you are trying to decide | | | | Additional Causes of Homework Headaches |
| what to make for dinner, ask your daughter, | | | | While fighting for control is the most common reason |
| Would you like pot roast or spaghetti for | | | | for homework arguments, some children may be |
| dinner? Then, make whichever one she chooses. | | | | dealing with additional problems: the work may be |
| By giving her two options, you have ensured that | | | | completely over their head, they may not know how |
| she will select something appropriate and by acting | | | | to appropriately deal with frustration, they may not |
| upon her choice, you are communicating to her that | | | | want your attention for homework, they may be |
| her opinion matters and she does have some control. | | | | disorganized and not know how to manage |
| Give your children lots of choices
Involve them in | | | | homework or school materials and supplies, or they |
| the process when you select a menu for the week | | | | may be so busy that they do not have time to |
| and create a grocery list. Let them choose which | | | | focus on homework. Each of these issues must be |
| television program to watch each evening. (If you | | | | dealt with accordingly, but make sure that the |
| have more than one child, have them take turns.) Let | | | | control’ factor is under control first. Good |
| them decide where to go for dinner and what they | | | | luck! |
| want to wear to school. If your child is resistant to | | | | © 2006 Susan Kruger, All rights reserved. |